<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Am I Alone? by taytocrisps</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24721366">Am I Alone?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/taytocrisps/pseuds/taytocrisps'>taytocrisps</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Loneliness, Loss, Minor Injuries</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:28:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,181</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24721366</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/taytocrisps/pseuds/taytocrisps</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sappitus suffers the loss of his best friend and shuts himself away in the process of coping terribly. Dream notices his absence and checks in on him</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>134</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Am I Alone?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Well, my first attempt at writing, and I hate it lmao<br/>more to come? perhaps<br/>I happened to be very tired while writing this, so prepare for stupid mistakes rip<br/>Why do i do this to myself?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He never really was comfortable by himself. Alone.</p>
<p>It never sat well with him when the empty loneliness of his bedroom sneered at his incapability to reach out to his friends and close relations. Although he wished he was somewhere else, he was here, sitting alone beside his bed with his knees tucked close to his chest and his chin resting atop of them, arms snaking around his legs while he caressed a certain cotton fabric between his fingers.</p>
<p>Sapnap watched the motion of his digits fondly while he played with the white cloth, his room dimly lit by the screen of his computer. His eyes were willing themselves to close, but he only blinked slowly to prolong the sleep that would inevitably enclose him. A tune sounded from his low, tired hum as he turned the white hoodie at a weary pace to scan the embroided patch for the hundreth time that day, running a thumb over the red accent that presented itself boldly against the light canvas of the hoodie.</p>
<p>Sapnap gripped the white cloth as he shifted his weight slightly to his right to lean into the frame of his bed, tilting his head back for it to rest against the wall as he stared at the ceiling, numb from pure exhaustion. He hadn't slept for what felt like an eternity, he had lost track of the number of consecutive sleepless days that he had crawled through without so much as a tap of rest. He was convinced that his eyes were as dry as a sun-split rock, his hands still worn and blood-encrusted from however many days ago when he aggressively tore at any object that happened to find themselves in his path of emotional rage. 

</p>
<p>He knew he had always suffered terribly from loss, but this was beyond what he had experienced before. He was initially washed over by disbelief and an immeasurable sense of grief, but after the days that had passed of funeral arrangements and such events, he was overwhelmed by a push of anger. There sat a gaping hole in the wall of his room, where he had promptly bloodied and torn his knuckles from the barrage of punches he had thrown. Only now, in the early hours of one of many sleepless mornings, was he lost in numb, longing sentimentalism. Alone.

</p>
<p>His green gaze finally averted from the ceiling to the dim computer screen. Sapnap pushed his legs out and rested his hands on his lap, ceasing his humming with a sigh. Releasing the white hoodie, he worked to remove his jumper which was causing him to overheat, pulling it off over his head to welcome the cooler temperature of the room.

</p>
<p>He pushed himself away from the wall and climbed to stand in the middle of the room, stretching his arms as he yawned. By this time, he yawned almost as frequently as he blinked. With another discontent sigh, he threw both the white hoodie and the black jumper onto his bed. Sapnap eyed the messy, disheveled bed covers before turning to glance back to the desktop screen. 

</p>
<p>Perhaps people were trying to contact him. Maybe they were wondering about his recent absence- or rather, disappearance from the world. 

</p>
<p>On second thought, he doubted it.

</p>
<p>However, just as he moved towards his bed, a notification sounded from behind him. He paused his motions, the bed covers that he had balled up in his fist laxed as his mind ran. The corners of his mouth twitched and his brow furrowed, a weird sort of confused expression clouding his features. He slowly turned from where he crouched over the bed, straightening his posture as much as his exhausted body would allow. It took him several minutes to push himself to move, treading across the floor while dragging the bed covers along as he squinted into the screen, which almost seemed to brighten as his sight focused.

</p>
<p>Nothing. The screen showed no sign of excitement, it was as boring and barren as before. He must be hallucinating at this point, a consequence of losing sleep that Sapnap had seemingly forgotten. He lifted a free hand to sift through his hair, a low, scratching groan escaping from his throat. He <strong>really</strong> needed sleep.

</p>
<p>It wouldn't be any later than five seconds before the pinging of another notification rang through the room. His green gaze caught a second device's screen from the other side of the desk. Sapnap moved with a bit less hesitance this time, dropping the veil of sheets and bed covers to cradle his phone between his hands

</p>
<p>
  <em>- Messages (2)</em>
</p>
<p>His brows furrowed once again, eyes appearing every bit more alert as he swiped his thumb across the screen to open the messages. It was hard to absorb what he could see, and so he repeatedly scanned the phone screen for a few moments. Sapnap blinked at the contact name, struggling to process the name's belonging. It wasn't long before his eyes lit up in realization</p>
<p>"Dream" he croaked the single word- rather, name- subconsciously, his voice scraping at his throat as he read the messages over once again.</p>
<p><strong>Dream</strong>  2:14am<br/>
<em>hey, are u up for recording tomorrow?</em></p>
<p><strong>Dream</strong> 2:22am<br/>
<em>wait, can i call you?</em></p>
<p>Sapnap stared emptily at the screen before running his hand through his hair again, moving to sit on his desk before he typed back a reply. He paused and stared at the screen at a sudden thought, his eyes fixating on the contact name. Would it be fair to vent to Dream at this hour? Surely the other was tired, chances were he was about to go to sleep. But Sapnap was aching for human communication, human connection, <em>company</em>. </p>
<p><strong>You</strong> 2:25am<br/>
<em>yeah, call</em></p>
<p>He couldn't bring himself to type much else. He tried to somewhat fix up his disheveled hair, almost as if they were about to video call, as he waited for the call to recieve. His eyes felt heavier now, like they would never open again if he fell asleep. </p>
<p>Finally, Sapnap answered the call, a soft, dull smile tugging at his lips before his thumb brushed over the screen. He tilted his head up to face the hole in the wall directly with a half-lidded gaze, back slouching over, as he lifted his hand from his lap to bring the phone to his ear.</p>
<p>"Hey Sap, sorry for the late call" a tired chuckle sounded from the older lad, prompting another drowsy smile to play at the brunette's features.</p>
<p>"No problem, i was wide awake anyways," he was ironically interuptted by a breathy yawn, and Dream took this chance to relay his question.</p>
<p>"Anyways, me and George finished cleaning up the plugin. It's ready for recording. We were waiting for you to come online to tell you, but," he left the end of the sentence at a hum, "oh, and Bad is also joining, I asked him earlier today"</p>
<p>Sapnap blinked slowly, remaining as he was, staring at the damaged wall "this is the 'mystery, surprise' plugin thing, right?" he commented, not surpressing the exhaustion in his voice.

</p>
<p>Dream didn't hesitate to start rambling about his and George's creation that he deemed would surely make them reconsider all life choices, and Sapnap soon found himself lost in the blonde's excited maundering. Sapnap started fiddling with the hem of his shirt, his eyes now absently focused on his fingers. A sense of unease and nervousness began to rise from his empty stomach as he listened to the older's enthusiastic twittering.

</p>
<p>It took the brunette a solid five minutes to gather himself together, his fidgeting and fussing over his shirt unceasing as he poked into the middle of Dream's ramble, "u-uh, Dream? i don't think i'll make it tomorrow" he managed to mumble into the phone, stumbling through his words timorously</p>
<p>The blonde immediately quietened to hear the other's muttering, as if someone hit a pause button to shut him up. There came an uncomfortable silence. Sapnap could almost feel Dream frowning, he could already feel regret about to wash over him.

</p>
<p>"Sap, you haven't talked to anyone for ages, everyone is asking for you. I don't think i've seen you online in the past <em>six days</em>" the worry was overly distinctive in the other's voice, and Sapnap sensed a feeling that he had become too familiar with since those six days. He wrapped his other arm around his abdomen, gripping his shirt to hold himself in a sort of half-hug as his eyes started to sting.</p>
<p>Then there came the question that he unknowingly dreaded. </p>
<p>"Are you okay?"</p>
<p>A building pressure readied itself at the back of his throat, no matter how much Sapnap tried his best to will it away. He took a minute to steady his breathing and continued fussing at his shirt, "Dream, I-" </p>
<p>He enveloped into himself a bit as he pushed himself to say it. He had to say it, he knew himself that this situation was definitely not ideal, and he himself was beyond what would be considered 'coping well'.</p>
<p>It's okay to not be okay.</p>
<p>He released a breath that he was obliviously holding, his gaze impaired with the oncoming tears that threatened to fall, "No. I-I'm.. I'm not okay" he blinked, his hand flinching as a tear invaded the broken, exposed skin, leaving a mildly irritating stinging sensation in the open wounds.</p>
<p>The blonde replied with a soft exhale, his voice revealing an understanding and accommodating tone "Good thing we called. Why didn't you reach out?" </p>
<p>Another silence. Later accompanied by a sniffle as Sapnap brought his hand up to wipe at his eyes with the carpal of his hand. Dream cut in before he could answer, </p>
<p>"Nevermind, tell me about it Sap" his voice was lower, words travelling slower as he attempted to comfort the younger brunette.</p>
<p>He had to give himself another minute to let everything settle before continuing. His hand now clung to the top of his shirt, fingers looping over the neck of the cloth.</p>
<p>Sapnap sniffled again, gaze averted to the floor. He was unsure of how, rather where to start "my.. my best friend died in a car accident" his voice was a bit unsteady, but he managed to hold a sob, "he was coming back from visiting his grandmother, and.."</p>
<p>Dream understood by the nature of his tone that he was melting at the grip of a breakdown. The blonde sighed, speaking softly "how long have you known him for?" he longed to appear by the other's side, for the only true comfort is a silent embrace. But it would not be possible in this situation. </p>
<p>Sapnap let a pitiful laugh escape, tears flowing quite freely at this point as he tugged further on his shirt "all my life. way back when, before i could even remember" he grimaced at the raw stinging of his hands as the tears came into contact of the skin wounds "and he was gone before i knew it"</p>
<p>Sapnap suddenly stood from the desk, bending to pick up the bedding clothes that he had left on the floor. He kept the phone held at his ear as he propped up the pillows against the corner of the wall, promptly moving to nestle himself in the spot with the covers beside him. The white jumper found itself at the end of the bed, where Sapnap now watched with a numb, empty gaze.</p>
<p>"You sound so tired. Have you even slept in the past three days?" The other asked. What a funny question, and an unfortunately short assumption.</p>
<p>"Nearly a week" his reply was a weary as the words provoked.</p>
<p>"How long since you've been outside?"</p>
<p>"I haven't"</p>
<p>"Since you've eaten?" </p>
<p>"...I don't know" </p>
<p>What a ridiculous answer, Sapnap thought bitterly to himself. But in all honesty, he was having difficulty remembering when he last ate. Or what it was that he ate. </p>
<p>"Oh"<br/>
He realized it right then.<br/>
He was aware of his self neglect.</p>
<p>Sapnap sighed, his eyes falling further shut with every passing second, "I-I'm sorry, it was unfair to tell you all this, it's so late-"</p>
<p>A swift interruption. "No no, I'm glad you told me"</p>
<p>Dream's voice broke him from his thoughts again, "Take care of yourself Sap, and message us when you're recovered. George was worrying over you" he allowed a chuckle, his tone still soft, words dancing a lullaby "Goodnight, Nick"</p>
<p>"Thank you, Dream"</p>
<p>His hand that held the phone dropped from his ear to his lap, his eyes stuck to that white hoodie that had no prior place in his room. No belonging to him before now. It was nothing more than an article of clothing, but it was the last thing <em>he</em> had worn before the accident. That gave it more meaning to him than anything.</p>
<p>Sapnap closed his eyes, welcomed by the shushing embrace of sleep. The first time he would rest soundly, and by the lulling voice of someone who cared for him.</p>
<p>Dream cared. George cared.</p>
<p>They cared. <em>He was not alone</em></p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>